How did I manage to find my true love and soul mate?
“Totnes is full of single mothers and hardly any single men” – my new friends in Devon were quite adamant. “I hope you’re not expecting to find a partner down here!” But I wasn’t moving to rural south west England to find a partner, not yet anyway.
After 16 years living in a Buddhist community in London, it was time to move on, and my longing for a rural lifestyle could no longer be ignored. But most importantly of all, my seven-year-old son, Jamie, deserved a more gentle upbringing than a city could afford.
Despite the good reasons, however, there was also an element of strange magnetism I couldn’t put my finger on. In many ways I was leaving a great situation and jumping into the unknown, but there was a compelling force drawing me on – and I had a daring, inexplicable knowledge that this was absolutely the right move.
So, one sunny September morning in 2001, I packed my little grey Peugot to bursting, strapped Jamie in the front beside me, and set off for our new life in the country.
At 37, I was a free agent for the first time pretty much since my teens. I’d split amicably from Jamie’s dad two years ago. It was the most civilised split I’ve ever heard of, but even so, the impact of separating the family was utterly devastating.
My escape came in the form of a smouldering Spanish guy from my 5 Rhythms dance class. However it wasn’t long before I became emotionally trashed by this crazy sex fest of a so called relationship. I was so fragile that I clung on for far too long. Moving to Devon would make sure it was over for good. For the first time in all those years, I was single, and I felt it. I was F – R – E – E !
My heart was soaring when we got out to stretch our legs at Stonehenge. What an incredible monument to mark the half way point to Devon. The sky was blue and the ancient stones seemed to be humming with affirmation that we were doing the right thing. We weren’t in dirty, frantic, complicated London now. Here was the gateway to a whole new magical realm.
Our first base was a caravan in a charming farm campsite not far from Totnes. We were leaving behind a lovely, secure and affordable home in London. It was part of a triangle of Victorian maisonettes with gardens backing on to each other so the kids were safe to roam around with each other.
I was glad that Jamie still had some of that now – access to an indoor swimming pool and an adventure playground and a few other families who were temporarily living at the campsite during the offseason just like us.
There was a lot to do – a home to find, school for Jamie, money to earn, new friends to make. I was fully occupied and completely excited by the experience of making this beautiful place our home.
Originally a spa town, Totnes is known as the ‘alternative capital of the UK’ and has attracted all sorts of interesting people and progressive projects into it’s midst over the decades. And driving through the stunning countryside brought me out in mild bliss every day – very different from the tension that inevitably comes with ‘cheeky driving’ through London traffic.
But by night I was lonely and reeling from all the changes. Jamie was having a tough time too and was unsettled at school. He was understandably disturbed and angry about being ripped away from all he knew, and I was feeling the strain and guilt. (What possessed me to think he’d settle at the fairy-like Steiner School after his formative years in inner city mainstream education?)
Sometimes the grief and disorientation were almost unbearable. It would have been so comforting to have someone intimate to share all this with – a manly chest to snuggle into…
So, in night time lonely autopilot, I reached out half heartedly for a liaison. Computer dating was a pleasant distraction, safe in the knowledge that everyone was at a reassuring cyber distance. The few dates I met up with soon dissolved any cosy illusions of romance I’d entertained myself with.
There were also a few ‘real’ single men I ran into (despite what my friends had said, Totnes seemed to have plenty of them). I spent a month with Martin no.1, and another with Martin no.2, and hung out with an attractive new friend while he was between girlfriends. But none of it was right and nothing got off the ground.
I knew that this was because I still had some healing to do, and at last I decided to co-operate with the process. I needed to do what usually has to be done when recovering from one relationship and preparing for another – to stay in the gap for as long as it takes and be with myself for a while.
I was overdue to complete some unfinished emotional business – to understand what had happened and why; to let go of hurts and fears; to re-asses who I am now; and establish what kind of relationship would be good for me next.
As a meditator I already had an invaluable tool at my disposal. Meditation gives emotional space and opens up a bigger perspective that allows us to face challenges positively. Along with regular chats with insightful friends and family, my meditation practise gave me the resources to navigate my way through the stormy emotional waters.
So did my practice of 5 Rhythms Dance. At my weekly class, and in the privacy of my own home, this wonderful form of dance free expression accessed and gave full voice to the stories and emotions stuck in my body. I danced and roared and stamped and cried (a lot!) and laughed and gave thanks and laid the ghosts to rest. Over the weeks I became clearer, free-er and more peaceful.
In early February I attended a sweat lodge held by a lovely local shaman down by the River Dart. In the dark, eerie beauty of a winter forest, we ceremonially heated huge stones in a roaring wooden pyre. Once ready, the hot stones were brought into the lodge one by one and sprinkled with sage water.
We sat in a circle inside the lodge, naked and in total darkness, sweating and singing and praying. It was like being inside a womb of pure spirit. We spoke aloud one at a time, each prayer seeming to come from infinite consciousness and be sent out into the entire universe. My prayer was spontaneous and ardent – “Please help me let go of the past and allow me the time and space I need before I get involved in another relationship.”
During one of my more contented evenings, and inspired by Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book, ‘The Invitation’, I did some reflective writing. In a deep, prayerful way, I wrote about what I longed for – the kind of loving partner that would be ideal for me.
It was almost sacreligious to be so damn honest about what would be utterly wonderful for me. I’d never given myself permission to state these things before. But once it was down on paper I found I was moved by the quality of person I was describing in those two dozen short paragraphs. And somehow, having committed my vision to paper, this man began to take on a tangible existence. It was spooky. It was as though I had begun to create a reality, or at least, call a reality towards me.
Having read widely about metaphysical principles since then, I know that this is exactly what is occurring when we make things conscious and decide to move towards them. As my old Buddhist teacher used to say, ‘It’s not so much that man wills, but that will man’s’. In other words our will manifests into form not the other way around. We become what we wish for. We create our reality from our thoughts and feelings and expectations.
Now, in my work as a coach, writing about ideals is an exercise that my clients use with unremmittingly powerful results. But back then, I somewhat innocently placed my writings on my meditation shrine, and forgot about them. Little did I know that I’d planted a seed that would invisibly grow into a garden of opportunity, or that I’d soon be looking upon the face of the man who would become my husband.
At first I didn’t realise I’d met him. As far as I was concerned, this ‘Pat’ guy was just a housemate of a childminder friend I’d gotten to know at Jamie’s school.
Ann and I used to hang out at each other’s houses while our boys played together. So my first few meetings with Pat were incidental – brief interactions during a flurry of noisy, stampeding boys needing after school snacks. I was in ‘mum mode’ and, anyway, I had a background distraction still rolling with one man or another I was half involved with. I wasn’t paying attention where it was due. It took me a further couple of months to wake up. And what a wake up call it was.
Towards the end of April, my much loved, dear, wise, loving gran was painfully dying in Scotland. My sister was giving me bulletins every day, and I was waiting for news of her final passing. Life was sharp. My heart was so open.
Contrastingly, I was experiencing impossibly crossed wires with Martin no.2 and decided to finish it. The very night I broke it off he fell off his steep garden terrace and was hospitalised with a broken back. I was shocked into further acute awakeness.
That same week (intuitively picking up on what was about to happen, I’m sure) I had my Spanish ex-lover from London on the phone asking for one last chance. For the first and last time, I said ‘No’ properly. It was after the sweat lodge prayer and I was crystal clear. Now I was truly free from any involvment whatsoever. I was free to pay attention where it was due.
On the Tuesday I arrived for a session of Holographic Repatterning with my friend Christina. I had booked the session a week ago to help with my relationship with Jamie, but there was something else on the menu.
It soon emerged that the key theme I was ready to explore was meeting the right partner. In the session, Christina revealled to me that I held the unconsious belief that ‘I could never meet a partner that could meet me on all levels’. This was a core reason I had been compromising myself in other relationships. She worked with me over 2 hours to shift this belief, and, three days later…
Pat was covering his childminder housemate’s shift for the day and we were looking after the boys together in the school yard. (Actually, Ann had been trying to set us up for a while as Pat had already eyeballed me with great interest, but I hadn’t noticed). It was the first chance Pat and I had to really talk.
I told him about Martin no.2 and the broken back. Knowing a little about me he commented that it’s very difficult to have a relationship with someone who isn’t spiritual if you are yourself. I liked him. I liked the way he sat on a rock in the playground and looked like a cowboy from the wild west.
Although I didn’t know why, I agreed that I might meet him for a drink that night. I was feeling incredibly sensitive and anti-social (and a pub is the last place I’d go at the best of times) but something led me into the Sea Trout Inn.
The Sea Trout was Pat’s regular drinking hole, just a stone’s throw from the cottage Christina had found for us to move into after our stay in the caravan. I laid aside my puritanical Buddhist prejudices and was pleasantly surprised by the level of meaningful communication happening amongst the public bar locals.
Pat was typically animated and in full flood “You’ve gotta get outta yar head and intta yar heart” he was insisting. He sounded like a cowboy too, or maybe one of those charismatic American preachers.
“A bit full on” I thought to myself, but I was intrigued. And then, suddenly, in the middle of all the passionate discussion, Pat and I gazed intently upon each other. ‘I see you’, he said, slowly and knowingly. ‘I see you too’, I replied with equal gravitas.
In that moment, we did indeed truly see one another. It was like a lightening flash had struck and lit up the entire vast landscape of who we are. The moment returned to darkness, but the flash revealed something forever. In that moment I realised that I recognised Pat, that I knew him, and with that knowledge came the deepest trust and truest love.
We parted in the car park with us both feeling somewhat stunned. “I lo…lo…lo…” Pat stammered. He seemed to be saying something and stuffing it back into his mouth at the same time. He looked as perplexed as I felt. Was he trying to resist saying that he LOVES me? Nah. Surely not.
I went back to the cottage and received the news that my gran had just passed away. Dear Gran. Dear kind, loving, strong, simple, generous, understanding, fiesty, affectionate gran. My spirit couldn’t help but elevate to commune with her and God and the afterlife and all of that other indecribable stuff that these words just don’t do justice to. Her love and essence were filling the Devon skies and I just had to fly with her for a while.
As if in a dream, I found myself popping into the pub at Sunday lunchtime to find Pat. It was completely unplanned. All of a sudden I was there inviting him to take a walk on Dartmoor with me.
We talked about Gran and meditation. Sitting by a rock pool, he told me he would have loved to study psychology if he’d ever been able to. I told him that psychology had been my main subject at University.
Without thinking about it, I took his hand as we walked back to the car. It was as though a greater force was acting through me. I certainly didn’t have the where-with-all to acknowledge what was going on, or make any judgements with my head. I was in the spontanieous and innocent world of my heart alright.
We shared our first kiss in the Sea Trout car park the next night. I was preparing to go to Gran’s funeral later that week. “Come… Back… To… Me…” Pat said gently and plainly. I’d already explained that I had a few romantic loose ends to tie up and couldn’t promise anything. “Take whatever time you need”, he replied.
The day before I flew to Scotland, he appeared in the school playground at pick up time. Pressing a rose quartz into my hand, he wished me well on my trip. Keen interest and support, understanding and freedom. This was a recipe for love. I recognised these qualities from my ideal man list.
It took me another couple of weeks to fully absorb the significance of what was occurring, but in the aftermath of my gran’s funeral, it was a simple and inevitable fact that we would love each other and be together. “Shall we love each other, then?” Pat had asked after an evening of endless, sublime kissing. “Yes, let’s” I replied, but it didn’t really need an answer.
I’d never experienced anything like it. There was no posturing or trying to impress each other and no attempts to hide our less favourable attributes – we were just relaxed and unselfconscious with each other from the very beginning. And there was no question about whether or not we’d be together – no push-pull fear of rejection or of being overwhelmed, no insecurity whatsoever.
Likewise, there was no great destabilising intoxication – the feelings were immediate and profound, but our heads were clear and our feet were on the ground. It was so straight forward – complete harmony, complete certainty – and left nothing to negotiate.
Sixteen months later, we were married, at a beautiful ceremony on the banks of the river Dart.
As I was to discover, Pat had also prepared well for the arrival of what he called a ‘divine relationship’ in his life.
A long time meditator like me, Pat had worked through all the issues raised by previous relationships. He particularly practised forgiveness (including himself) and was unusually clear, more so than me, of the sort of relationship backlog that we often carry into future relationships (and mess up by referring back to ghosts instead of the person with us now).
He had also used a specific manifestation meditation to call his vision of a relationship into being. Popularised and taught by Dr Wayne Dyer in the 90 s, this ancient practice brings together the power of the chakras, the voice, and creative visualisation. We call it the Ah/Om meditation.
ClickAh/Om meditation videosfor full instruction and guidance on this manifestation meditation practice (filmed at one of my workshops).
Most importantly of all, perhaps, Pat adopted an attitude that he referred to as ‘100% intention with 100% surrender’. Although he was very clear about the partner he sought and would not compromise with less, he was also prepared for it not to happen and would be perfectly happy to stay alone should he not find his match.
This is the fine and paradoxical art of being open to one’s aspirations and creative possibilities while at the same time being fluid with our expectations. Many people either don’t let themselves dream through fear of not suceeding or strangle their dreams by having too much at stake and therefore too desparate for them to come true.
Often we don’t let ourselves aspire by assuming we won’t succeed (‘Can’t have’), or corrupt our aspirations into egotistical ambitions by having too much self-worth at stake if they flounder (‘Must have’).
Either way, it betrays a lack of self-knowledge and self-belief. When we see ourselves clearly and believe in ourselves, we don’t need to push things away or grab things towards us to shore up a hollow sense of ourselves. We can allow things to be what they are, free from what we have invested in them. In this freedom we can experience the natural flow of coming and going, and somewhat magically, all our true needs are satisfied (‘Having-ness’).
I didn’t believe that I could find someone who could meet me on all levels, so how could I HAVE that sort of relationship. Pat certainly can meet me on all levels.
This relationship is easily the most satisfying and stimulating either of us has ever known on the domestic, physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual levels. It is grounded and it is sacred. We are plumming depths and scaling heights together that would have been hard to access alone.
Of course it is also intense and challenging. We share so much. As well as living together and joining our families, we co-created our first coaching practice, Thrivecraft.
One day last year, I came across the description of the ideal partner I wrote all that time ago. As Pat and I re-read it together, I was filled with a strange, joyful realisation. The man who those words described was now nuzzling my neck, sharing my life and my deepest aspirations.
It’s amazing what we can magnetise into our lives with clear intention and positivity. Now I understand a little more about those compelling forces that brought me to Devon.
This book is part true love story and part how-to guide. In these pages, I take you with me on the spiritual adventure of my life and share how I eventually found what I was longing for – deep trust in my own inner wisdom and a true love, soul mate and life partner that can meet me on all levels. Along with the story, I share the insights and learning that lit the way for me with the hope that this will also help illuminate your path of love and wisdom.
My quest for wisdom began when I was a child, trying to figure out if church had the answers to life’s big questions. Continuing by studying psychology at university, I was profoundly affected by the death of my father and discovered the practice of meditation. For nearly two decades thereafter, I trained for and became an ordained Buddhist.
But wisdom wasn’t enough. Although denying it for many years, deep down I also ached to be properly partnered by a soul mate – a true love that shared every aspect of my life. A series of experiences finally brought me to fulfill that destiny and the ensuing spiritual renaissance resulted in the resigning of my ordination and the founding of Thrivecraft – an inspirational coaching practice providing a universal path of love and wisdom for all.
Echoing my own journey, the first half of Pearls is about inner wisdom. Along with this part of my story, I share tips and teachings on meditation, mindfulness and intuition so that you too can tune in to your own natural inner wisdom.
The second half focuses on finding true love and includes my ‘Get Ready For Love’ step-by-step guide. I also describe how inner wisdom continues to serve a deepening relationship once you’ve met a partner (or, indeed, reveals when it is time to move on).
It is my dear wish that you will be inspired by my story and tips, transported by a special ‘Ask Your Inner Wisdom’ meditation I have created and recapture your natural entitlement to be completely guided and supported in all that you do. Go ahead and find the kind of love and wisdom that you so desire and so deserve. Dive for your pearls – they are right here and they are all yours.
Maggie met and married the man of her dreams – her true love soul mate who meets her on all levels – after 20 years of over-compromising in relationships.
Since 2004, Maggie has been coaching others to get ready for love and find their ideal partner, both in one-to-one coaching programmes and at her popular Get Ready for Love weekend workshops.
Get Ready for Love success stories:
The very day 42 year old Carrie wrote in her journal that she was now ready for love again, Steve literally knocked on her front door. They are now happily living together.
Philippa, age 53, met her partner Charlie after more than 20 years of being a single mum focused on her career. He was the first candidate she came across on a dating website (an action Philippa had decided to take whilst following the programme) but that was enough. They quickly recognised they’d met someone special and are enjoying life together.
29 year old Jennifer met her boyfriend Derek by chance in a crystal shop on Valentine’s day. Although they didn’t know each other before, unbeknownst to them they had something in common – they were both having Get Ready for Love coaching with Maggie Kay!
Diving for Pearls: A Wise Woman’s Guide to Finding Love
INTRODUCTION – INNER TREASURE
This book is part true love story and part how-to guide. In these pages, I take you with me on the spiritual adventure of my life and share how I eventually found what I was longing for – deep trust in my own inner wisdom and a soul mate life partner that can meet me on all levels. Along with the story, I share the insights and learning that lit the way for me with the hope that this will also help illuminate your path of love and wisdom.
My quest for wisdom began when I was a child, trying to figure out if church had the answers to life’s big questions. Continuing by studying psychology at university, I was profoundly affected by the death of my father and discovered the practice of meditation. For nearly two decades thereafter, I trained for and became an ordained Buddhist.
But wisdom wasn’t enough. Although denying it for many years, deep down I also ached to be properly partnered by a soul mate – a true love that shared every aspect of my life. A series of experiences finally brought me to fulfill that destiny and the ensuing spiritual renaissance resulted in the resigning of my ordination and founding Thrivecraft – a universal path of love and wisdom for all.
Echoing my own journey, the first half of Pearls is about inner wisdom. Along with this part of my story, I share tips and teachings on meditation, mindfulness and intuition so that you too can tune into to your natural inner wisdom. The second half focuses on finding true love and includes my ‘Get Ready For Love’ step-by-step guide. I also describe how inner wisdom continues to serve a deepening relationship once you’ve met a partner (or, indeed, shows you when it’s time to move on).
It is my dear wish that you will be inspired by my story and tips, transported by a special ‘Ask Your Inner Wisdom’ meditation I have created and re-capture your natural entitlement to be completely guided and supported in all that you do. Go ahead and find the kind of love and wisdom that you so desire and so deserve. Dive for your pearls – they are right here and they are all yours…
attract ideal clients or customers and increase income
– soulfully
Combining practical business know-how with spiritual intelligence.
Many of us are self employed practitioners or running our own small business. Between us, we offer a fantastic array of ethical products and services, inspired to help make the world a better place. We love what we do, but for some, the actual business side of things isn’t our strong point, especially when it comes to selling, marketing and making enough money.
Having founded Thrivecraft in 2003, Maggie Kay quickly identified the need to offer business coaching to many of her life coaching clients who were struggling to make the most of their soulful business. Combining her background in ethical business with her experience of spiritual intelligence, the popular course Mind Your Own Business was born.
Maggie Kay is once again offering a business boosting Thrivecraft workshop for ethical entrepreneurs and practitioners. On March 12/13, SOULFUL MARKETING guides participants through the practical and magical ways to find your niche, get known, attract ideal clients and customers, and increase income – without selling your soul.
The workshop is hosted by the Totnes Natural Health Centre and costs only £149. (There are three places at £99 for those who need a concession). The magical part of this workshop means that participants often make their investment back by attracting new business almost immediately!
Be your true self and do what you love.
Create prosperity with authenticity and grace.
Attract opportunities, synchronicity and flow.
Thrivecraft – Practical and Magical.
For More info and to book, click below
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What are Thrivecraft workshops like?
Here’s what two participants had to say:
Kate Harris, juice detox expert, has found ‘her people’
to refresh your life and set it in a new direction.
REVIEW your current life situations and relationships
CONNECT with your true purpose and ideal life
MELT AWAY doubts and obstacles
CREATE a do-able onward plan
ACTIVATE your magic
A complete Life Coaching programme in weekend format.
As well as standard Life Coaching processes, this uplifting and inspiring weekend will be laced with powerful teachings and meditations that bring magic into your everyday life.
With a mixture of interactive practical exercises, talks and guided contemplation, you will learn how to make the secret law of attraction work for you and practice a powerful ’make it happen’ technique that manifests your hopes into reality.
There will be opportunities to ask questions and give your comments along the way. And there will be plenty of time to connect with other participants – typically a high quality group of open minded, friendly people.
Hot off the press from our Thrivecraft – Wake Up Your Wisdom – workshop last weekend, here is a video extract teaching the deep principles at work when we apply the Law of Attraction to manifest the things we want in our life.
During this relaxed workshop you can give your hard-working thinking mind a rest! Instead, you will learn how to easily tap into your own deep wisdom to find brilliant answers and solutions at every turn. But don’t be deceived by the retreat-like experience of the day – this stuff is powerful!
With a mixture of interactive practical exercises, talks and guided contemplations, you will be shown how to hone your hunches into reliable intuition you can depend on. You will learn how to make the secret law of attraction work for you and practice a powerful ‘make it happen’ technique that manifests your hopes into reality.
There will be opportunities to ask questions and give your comments along the way. And there will be plenty of time to connect with other participants – typically a calibre group of open minded professionals, creatives, innovators and conscious entrepreneurs.
You will leave feeling equipped to employ a whole new dimension of yourself – your own inner wisdom – in your life, love, work and business. With the constant wise support of your inner guidance and intuition, things will never be the quite the same. Just see what happens next!
In this brand new video, I explain why relaxing into your natural rhythm fosters inspiration and allows you to create and make things happen joyfully and with ease…
Stop for a moment. Just a moment. It’s okay. It’s really good for you. Take a deep breath. Breathe out. And another. Breathe out.
Is there somewhere you can sit down for a few minutes? Or a quieter place to stand? Decide to take a few more minutes to yourself. Breathe freely. Stretch, shake out, then settle again. Let the tension sigh away as you breath out. Be at ease.
Where are you? Look around. See the colours and shapes around you. Then close your eyes if you can. Breathe in the air. What can you smell? Taste? What can you hear? Near? Far? Notice what you are touching. What’s touching you. The textures. The temperatures. Your feet on the ground. The air on your face. The way your clothes wrap your body. Breathe in and out through your senses.
Breathing into your whole body. Let your weight drop down. Down into the ground. Let your breath move through you. Soften your muscles. Shoulders drop. Tummy round. Jaw loose. Tongue free. Feel the breath reaching your toes. Running along your spine. Arriving at your finger tips. Tingling your scalp.
Breathing swimming through you. Let go of thinking for a while. Give yourself a delicious time out. Nothing to figure out for now. Let your eyes be soft and dewy. The mask of your face melt. Brain slack. Thoughts gently floating to the ground. Like dust particles falling through a sunny room.
Feel how good it is to breathe. To just be breathing. There’s nothing else you need do right now. Just breathing. Sensing. Being.
Feel your chest rise and fall. What’s it like in there? Tight? Expansive? Allow it to open a little more. Breathe into the area around your heart. Does it feel good? Uncomfortable? Numb? Just breathe. However it is or isn’t.
Feel your upset. That’s okay. Feel your good feelings. That’s okay. Feel your blankness. That’s okay. Whatever you feel or don’t feel. That’s okay.
Breathe into the whole of yourself. Every molecule. Every vibration. Your body. Your mind. Your heart. Let yourself drop deep. Let yourself spread wide. Let the breath be everywhere.
Notice the space inside you. The warmth. The places that feel good. Breathe. Allow them to expand. Feel the freedom within you. Let it grow. Know that everything is going to be okay. Feel the vastness within and around you.
All that you think. All that you feel. All that you sense. All that you know.
Being with all that you are.
Now. What’s bothering you? What’s on your mind?
A decision? A problem? A question?
What is it? What’s troubling you? Choose one thing you’d like to resolve.
Breathe with all that you are. Make it clear in your mind what this one issue is.
Feel the energy of it in your body. Feel the emotion of it in your heart. In your breath.
Now imagine yourself picking up your issue and rolling into a pebble in your hands. There is a beautiful, deep, clear pool of water before you. After a moment, make a wish to resolve your issue and drop your pebble into the pool. Let the pebble sink down, down, down to the bottom of the pool.
Just being for a while. Enjoying the ripples.
Then…. you notice. There seem to be some messages coming from the ripples. What whispers do you hear? What images appear? What ideas occur to you?
It may not make sense. It may not be what you expect. It doesn’t matter. Just notice. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen is perfect.
Take a few more moments to be. Breathe.
Now, with the next few breaths, waking back up. Take a deep breath and stretch. Open your eyes. Feeling whole and fresh. Wake up.
Remind yourself what just happened by the pool. What was your issue? What messages did you receive about it?
Whether you received any messages or not. Whether you understand them or not. Let it be. You may not know how yet. Restate your wish to have your issue resolved. Carry on with your day.
Now and over the next few days, open yourself to whatever help or ideas come your way.
Revelation – finding wisdom from within
New guided meditation
Want some help with the process?
Download my brand new guided meditation – Revelation: finding wisdom from within – specially created to drop you deep into your own source of inner wisdom.
In this video clip from our informal cafe chat, Judy Piatkus (founder of Piatkus Books) is asking me about how to use inner wisdom in our everyday lives. Is it something anyone can access? And how do we do it?
Three little words – famously coined by Joseph Campbell – hold the key to a truly happy, fulfilled life.
Follow. Your. Bliss.
To follow you need to find the trail. Maybe you can’t exactly see what your final destination is, but you get a bit of the picture, a feeling, a general sense of direction.
And it is okay to take one step at a time and trust that the next step will be revealed. All you need do is ensure that you are still on the path of bliss, that each step feels good – even if you don’t know where it is ulitmately leading.
It is your bliss we are talking about. Not anyone else’s! And not what other people think should be yours. What sets you alight, turns you on, fills you with happiness?
And you don’t have to understand why you feel that way, justify your passion to yourself or anyone else, or know how your dreams will be achieved.
You came into the world with your own unique talents, interests and potential. Just stick to what you really love, trust what feels good and eventually it will all take shape.
And what is bliss? It is something deeper than just immediate gratification. It is an expansive feeling of rightness, truth, freedom, unfolding, fulfilment. It bubbles up from deep within.
Sometimes we choose what we think we want, but it does not really satisfy us. It feels hollow, like it hasn’t really hit the spot
If that’s the case, we are probably not truly following our inner guidance, but are compromising in some way (usually to please others, or because we think there’s no other option).
Bliss arises when you are attuned to your inner wisdom and are being guided by love rather than fear.
You are making choices that are satisfying and sustainable and that lead to more happiness and good choices – a positive spiral.
I explain more about how to step into this positive spiral in the following video clip – Which Voice In My Head Do I Trust? (My most watched video!)
So if you have a decision to make, take a few breaths and check in with yourself.
Make sure that you are feeling expansive, inspired and loving before you make your choice. That way you can be confident that you are on the right path to a happier, more fulfilling life.
Everyone is intuitive. It is part of you. It is just a matter of waking it up, excercising the ‘muscles’ and learning what signals to trust.
Think about it for a moment. Think about all those times you’ve had a hunch, a gut feeling or a sensation deep down that you just KNOW what’s right. That’s your intuition speaking to you.
Do you listen though? How often do you follow your inner promptings and let your intuition guide your decisions? Do you realise how much of a smoother ride you would have in life if you did?
The trouble is that we are not very schooled in how to find and use our intuition. These days, the emphasis is on our quick thinking rather than our deep knowing. This means that most of us are missing out on a fantastic natural method of getting the best from life.
How do you tap into your intuition?
Pause and take a few deep breaths.
Ask yourself what’s best.
Receive your answer.
It’s as simple as that!
Inner guidance, answers and solutions are literally a few breaths away.
The first trick is to REMEMBER to pause and ask at the outset.
Take 10
The best way to remember to pause and ask in the heat of your busy everyday life is to practise a little when things are quieter.
Just 10 quiet minutes a day will really help. Spend 10 minutes of every day sitting quietly by yourself – no TV, radio, phone, computer or interruptions – just you sitting down, relaxing, feeling your breath moving through your body.
If you are not accustomed to ‘taking 10’ like this, you will be amazed how refreshing it is and how good it makes you feel for the rest of the day.
It is good to find a regular spot in the day that works for you – like after your morning cuppa, on the train to work (providing you have earphones!), or sitting in the car when the kids are dropped off at school – and to incorporate it into your everyday routine.
Watch to find out how life gets better when we use our intuition…
Try my guided audio to tap into your inner wisdom…
If I have one mission in life it is to alert you to the immense wealth you already have at your diposal – your inner wisdom!
We all have the capacity to dip in to this pot of gold to find answers, solutions and direction at every step. But some of you have yet to find out how to visit this inner world – or know what to do once you get there!
Actually, it’s very simple. You can soon learn how to pause and tune in to your ‘inner wisdom frequency’. And how to tell it apart from the fretful noise in your head which can lead you astray!
In recent years, I have created a guided audio experience (okay, yes, meditation if you like!) that shortcuts you to your inner wisdom.
I’ve discovered that even those of you who are ‘not the meditating type’ find it easy and enjoyable. So give it a try!
And many of you seasoned meditators have reported how refreshing and useful it is to be guided straight to wise answers with this unique audio journey.
As a festive season give-away, I am making the MP3 download of my guided audio available to you absolutely free!
As an added bonus, you can also download the recording of my recent webinar on Inner Wisdom hosted by mother-entrepreneur magazine, Tunza Spirit. www.tunzaspirit.com
In the webinar I describe how just 10 minutes of quiet time a day can prepare you to ‘hear’ your inner wisdom – and how to create this precious you-time in your day so that it becomes second nature.
To whet your inner wisdom appetite, check out this short video where I’m talking about inner wisdom, my guided meditation and forthcoming book.
The gold within you awaits!
Just click the link below for FREE access to the MP3 download of Answers: Finding Wisdom from Within.
Plus bonus access to my recent Tunza Spirit magazine webinar packed with tips and insights on finding and using Inner Widom.
In the last few days I’ve been reading a book by spiritual teacher Dr Wayne W Dyer called There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem. It’s great – so relevant, uplifting and re-assuring – and is awakening many creative thoughts within me.
Wayne first became a source of inspiration for me after my husband Pat introduced his work to me eight or nine years ago. During the 1990s, Wayne taught the Ah meditation – a manifestation practice that he’d learned from one of his Indian Gurus – and Pat and I have been passing it on to friends, colleagues and clients ever since our Thrivecraft days.
Last year, I explored the practice in depth at my Entrepreneurs Find Inner Wisdom event, held here in Totnes, Devon. This was filmed, but apart from posting the videos on my blog soon afterwards, I have not really made a point of publishing them. Despite this, I have noticed that often people find the videos searching for information on the Ah meditation, so perhaps it’s about time that I made them more available…
Having plucked Wayne’s book off my bookshelf recently (and realised it was gifted to me by my special guest at Entrepreneurs Find Inner Wisdom – former BBC TV Dragon and business mentor, Rachel Elnaugh) I took this as a sign that it was time to run the Ah meditation video series here on my blog.
So here you are, a series of six short videos on the Ah meditation to dip into. Do let me know what you think – and what results you get! Enjoy!
1. Manfestation – You are a magician!
2. Introducing the Ah Meditation – Background and How to
3. Questions on the Ah Meditation – Do You Have to Believe for it to Work?
4. Preparing to do the Ah Meditation – Guided Relaxation / Opening the Chakras
5. Practising the Ah Meditation – Guided Practice
6. Concluding the Ah Meditation – Guided Om Chanting
Pat and I moved in February. Caravan dwelling came to a sudden end when problems staying on the field all year round prompted a rethink. The result was a move into this dinky modern house on the edge of the village with my 16 year old son Jamie. We are familiar with the house because its where Jamie has been living with his dad, Colin, and its been our support base whilst living in the wildfield. So Colin moved out and we moved in – taking over the main parenting role again and allowing Jamie to remain in situ in the big bedroom!
Weekdays have a different rhythm now – up at 6.45am with a quiet mug of earl grey in time to wake Jamie for school. Then its sandwich making, reminders about what’s needed for the day, making sure he catches the bus… By 8am I am out in the conservatory – the nearest thing to a caravan in the house – and getting on with my work. Evenings generally involve collecting Jamie from various after school activities, preparing a meal, a bit of TV – often with a foot massage from my guardian angel husband – and flaking out by 11.
I have to admit that I am relishing being a full-time mum again – and its much needed and long overdue. That’s probably why it feels so right. Colin and I have always lived near each other and co-parented amicably since we separated, but its the first time Jamie has been living in one home with me in all those years. The demands of Colin’s work has changed and its been hard for him to support Jamie on his own. With Pat and I sharing the home parent role and my work enjoying the flexibility of self employment, this is a much better arrangement for Jamie’s last few years of school.
The idea came out of the blue and fell into place immediately. None of us had been thinking along those lines at all. However, even Pat – a reclusive wild man and caravan-life adorer – was convinced of the plan’s merits as soon as it arose. He’s having the toughest time adapting back to ‘normal’ domestic life, but he’s doing his best for the greater good.
Part of the idea is that we keep the caravans and use them during the camping season. This means that any of us can escape back to the wildfield when we need to – just a stone’s throw away but a whole different world. And look out for a new retreat package I’ll be offering soon including accomodation in the wildfield – a perfect place to get away from it all.
Caravans in the Wildfield
So, only 7 months after the biggest downsizing move of my life, it’s been time to upscale again! Having given away all our furniture and household belongings, we needed to start over. However, the abundant universe soon showerered us with gifts and blessings. Within 10 days of moving our new home was all ready and we were celebrating a house-warming with our generous friends and family. Another plus is that after spending a severe, snowy winter in a 25 foot caravan, this modest 2up/2down feels like a palace of comfort and modern conveniences!
Living room to conservatory in new house
The move back into householder life marks the conclusion of an unusually introverted few months over the winter. By the end of October last year (the date of my last blog entry!) I was starting to put the breaks on ever expanding business plans and activities to concentrate on things closer to home. After more than a decade of being full on and ‘out there’ with my vocation, finances and family needed my full attention for a while. It was time to get my own house in order!
Initially, I simply wanted to be around my mum in Scotland as much as possible. She’s been going through extensive medical treatment and I could think of nothing better than to drop everything and be with her. In the event, Pat and I spent most of December up there. Mum lives in a lovely villa on a tiny island off the west coast of the mainland. We spent much of the UK’s ‘big freeze’ up there – helping with driving and hospital visits, enjoying family communion and filling our souls with the stunning beauty of the place.
View out to sea from mum’s upstairs window
Scotland was a tonic after spending November with my nose in account books. As well as doing my current end of year accounts, it was time to face some financial music about a business that hadn’t been doing so well and needed winding up. It was painful and confronting, demanding ruthless soul searching as well as loads of practical work. Every assumption, motive, decision, choice and step that Pat and I had made in recent years had to be examined. With no stone unturned on any level, it was excruciatingly personal and challenging to our self-esteem – and SO hard to forgive mistakes and let go!
As my colleague Rachel Elnaugh will tell you in her brilliant book, Business Nightmares, most entrepreneurs go through extreme financial challenges. Yet there’s a lot of shame and secrecy surrounding it – especially in the UK – and therefore its rarely discussed. But without sharing this crucial business experience how can we learn how to handle it from each other?
Business Nightmares is such an encouraging, inspiring and informative read. By revealling the inside stories of how even well known and successful entrepreneurs struggle, Rachel makes you realise you are not alone. And far from being shameful, knowing what the entrepreneur has been through makes you respect them even more. Do get yourself a copy if you haven’t already. It’s so well written by the wise, warm and witty former TV Dragon, Rachel Elnaugh. Click here to find out more www.rachelelnaugh.com
Telling the Coaching Connect conference about Rachel’s book
During November’s process of intense self-examination, it also dawned on me that I’d become a little bedazzled by a kind of ‘ambitious glitz’. I’d spent the previous 18 months vigourously developing my expert platform (as its called!) – glamming up my public image, publishing blogs and videos, courting book and media deals, launching new workshops, speaking at conferences, cultivating exciting new colleagues and establishing an international network via social media.
All that had been so much fun that I didn’t realise I’d got a bit carried away, taken flight and lost touch with my home ground, or that a certain pushy “must have big success” had crept into me. I knew something wasn’t right because things stopped coming to fruition and I was feeling increasingly strained. Eventually I consulted my inner guidance about it and the message came through loud and clear – “Just STOP, Srimati!” And so I decided to drop everything and take some time out.
It was scary letting go and not knowing what was going to happen, but my courage was rewarded. Having followed my soulful beckonings through the dark of winter, I did find myself back on firm ground and free from the burden of grasping after future success.
There’s a new ease and relaxation in my approach to my vocation and I feel deeply contented and quietly confident that the right work will come to me at the right time. Of course the universe has received my telepathic energetic transmission instantly and a graceful wave of wonderful new work is now gently cascading into my well balanced life. It sure beats chasing the big time!
So I’ll leave you with a video of a conversation Rachel and I had last year. We are talking about telepathic marketing – the art of attracting business opportunities by paying attention to our inner life. It draws on the universal principle that life simply delivers to you whatever you energetically expect will come – whether good or bad – and whether you are conscious of it or not. To find out more about this phenomenon, see the book Ask and it is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks.
The trick is to be aware of your beliefs about life and the signals you are therefore putting out. With a little inner work, you can make sure that they are genuinely aligned with your best interests – and so the universe delivers what’s in your best interests. And as I can testify, there’s nothing better than graceful waves of wonderful things cascading into your life because you’ve put your own house in order!
Well, my lovelies, it seems I’ve had a bit of blog writer’s block! I have continued to write a daily journal and have recorded a few videos for future consumption, but it’s been hard to know what to share with you for this episode of Raw and Real. I’m guessing that this is because I’ve been deep within an inner process that’s hard to write about whilst inside it. It’s still in happening, but it’s now two weeks since my last post, so I thought I’d at least let you know what’s been going on.
I’m writing this from the wild cliffs of Cornwall instead of the wild field in Devon. Pat and I have been here at our caravan on the atlantic coast for a few days – suddenly hungry to be here after a four month block in Devon. We were partly influenced by the change in the weather – beautifully sunny and fine again after an intense spell of rain. It is incredibly beautiful here. The views over the ocean are just awesome and the psychic quietness of the atmosphere totally liberating. It feels like there’s space for your inner world to expand out and fly-dance in the sky.
About three weeks ago I embarked on a 40 day spiritual programme. It’s a simple thing really – daily reading, reflecting and writing on the themes – but the effects have been profound. I’m no stranger to this sort of thing (I spent my twenties engaged in full time study, meditation, right livelihood practice and retreats on the lead up to becoming an ordained Buddhist) but its been a while since I’ve taken up a such a purposeful, purely spiritual, exercise.
Recently, things have been very settled at the wild field. We’ve been there for a couple of months and all the pandemonium is over. Pat’s bad neck is much better, Jamie has been enjoying a renewed social life after his relationship break up and I’ve re-established my coaching, meditation and writing practice. I’ve been waking up every day, looking out over the peaceful meadows, feeling my wonderful family close by and counting my blessings. What a fantastic, beautiful, quiet, retreat-like haven of a life-style! Almost without realising it, I’ve been dropping deeper and deeper into the richness of my inner world.
And so its not surprising that the spiritual programme is biting. I recognise the pattern. At first there’s excitement and inspiration at the juicy wisdom being studied. Then times of uncomfortableness and resistance because an unenlightened part of me feels threatened (usually hanging on to some ingrained and unconscious way of being that’s really not necessary or useful any more).
After feeling tense and unhappy for a while (can be hours or days) it becomes clearer what’s being challenged and what needs to let go. It helps to allow myself to feel my upset emotions (have a rant or a cry or whatever) and talk to someone who understands the process or write it all down in a journal without judgement. Eventually the realisations come and I end up feeling cleansed, renewed and aligned with a more peaceful, happy way of living than ever before.
I’m now 25 days into the programme and having my third wave of uncomfortableness. (I’ve been really happy and carefree in between, honest!) I’m reminded that at times like this the best thing we can do is simply accept ourselves just as we are – and without the need to analyse why we are feeling out of sorts. A great exercise when you feel like this is to write a long list of “I love me when….(and finish the sentence)”. Write about loving yourself – good or bad – until you have a feeling of accepting every last part of yourself unconditionally. For example “I love me when I’m inspired”, “I love me when I’m depressed”, “I love me when I know what I’m doing and why”, “I love me when I’m lost and confused”.
Unconditional acceptance of oneself is always the beginning of the end of unhappiness. It’s so simple. Even when you are feeling utterly wretched it is possible to step outside and look back upon yourself compassionately (just as you would look upon a crying child who has broken a beloved toy). The trick is to remember to do so! Once, when I was upset about something and unable to feel compassion for myself, Pat fetched a mirror and tenderly held it up in front of me. Looking at the poor crying face in there made me feel rather sorry for the girl and my heart melted.
I think Eckhart Tolle’s masterful book, The Power of Now, captures the simplicity of this acceptance process beautifully. I always say that the Power of Now is one of my ‘desert island books’. I have read scores and scores of spiritual and personal development books over the years, but this one captures an essence of them all. If I was stuck on a desert island with only a few books, I’d want this to be one of them. I thoroughly recommend it. Here’s his website:
There’s also a brilliant loving kindness meditation that I learned many years ago and still practice and teach with relish. It’s a Buddhist meditation called the Metta Bhavana, or cultivation of loving kindness. (Not surprisingly, it seems to me that most spiritual traditions have similar contemplations or prayers.) The meditation begins by fostering love for oneself, then a friend, then a stranger, then an enemy, then the whole world. In my experience it is deeply transformational as well as gently nourishing, no matter what state you are in when you begin. You can find a led Metta Bhavana meditation on CD and MP3 on the amazing Buddhist meditation and resource website, Wildmind. (One day I’ll record one myself, but I haven’t so far).
Wildmind was founded by a lovely colleague of mine, Bodhipaksa, a fellow Scot who I first met at the Glasgow Buddhist Centre 25 years ago when we were both rookies. He now lives in the USA with his young family and writes and teaches in addition to running Wildmind. His latest book – Living As A River – is being launched next month. Recently I’ve been guest blogging for Wildmind (so you’ll find a few of my videos and articles on the blog page) and Bodhipaksa has been so kind and helpful in supporting my move towards publishing my books and CDs.
I have written about love (one way or another) a lot. I suppose really understanding what love is all about is the core of my practice and inspiration. Afterall, I have it on good authority that love is a pretty important thing. Once, when Jamie was sitting in his highchair as a baby, I said to him jokingly, “Oh Jamie, what is the meaning of life?” Hardly able to talk at that age, he answered clearly and emphatically, “Love.” – A baby Buddha!
One of my first articles ever published was for the Buddhist magazine, Dharma Life. It’s my story and thoughts on maternal love – having not long become a mother to said baby Buddha. I’d noticed how spiritually minded people were mixed up about what non-attachment means (still one of my favourite topics) and I was extolling us to embrace our love even if it means we also experience loss. Wildmind still carries this article on their blog page, so here’s the link.
And here’s me talking to Nick Williams of www.inspired-entrepreneur.com again (see last week’s blog). This time, he is asking me about the principle of non-attachment and I explain what I think it really means. I quote William Blake’s poem. For me it captures the spirit of non-attachment and unconditional love: “He who binds himself to a joy doth the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies, lives in eternity’s sunrise.”
Well, writing about all this compassionate and love stuff has cheered me up no end! I guess “I love me when I’m deep in challenging process”, “I love me when I have writer’s block” and “I love me when I’m writing inspiring stuff about love” Just a little tenderness does the trick…
It didn’t take long to try out my saying “No!” practice (my new device to help me overcome habitual over-giving). Last night, my 15 year old son, Jamie, was out in town. At first he said he’d probably stay over with friends, but at nearly bedtime, he phoned and asked if I could collect him and two friends (and his friend’s bike!) to stay with us at the wild field for the night instead.
Fetching the boys would involve a 40 minute round trip, converting Jamie’s caravan lounge (also my daytime writing space) into a sleeping area, rustling up food for three hungry teenagers, putting up with their noise and carry on until they fell asleep and then doing it all in reverse in the morning.
The night before I’d hosted a BBQ and was relishing not having to cook today. When Jamie phoned, I’d just shut the gate to the field, sat down with the last plate of party left-overs and opened a can of lager. The caravans and field were finally tidied up and all was peaceful. I was looking forward to a quiet night with Pat, my husband, watching TV and mending a silly tiff we’d had earlier in the day.
So what did I say to Jamie when he asked me if his friends could stay?… “Oh, I thought you were staying in town! Hmm, well, okay then. It’s a bit of a hassle, but okay. Where shall I collect you?”
Duh!
I’d habitually fallen straight in the hole again. It hadn’t even entered my head that I could say no for a change, let alone recognise that I didn’t have to justify it. There was no demand for my knee-jerk analysis of everyone’s needs (putting mine at the bottom of the pile, of course) before coming up with the best course of valiant servitude.
A few minutes passed and it suddenly dawned on me.
“My God, I could have said no then!”, I exclaimed to Pat. “Oh well, at least I’ll set some other boundaries. They can convert their own sleeping area. I’ll stick a bunch of rolls and peanut butter in the caravan and they can feed themselves.”
“Yes!” said Pat enthusiastically. “And you’ve spotted it. That’s a good start.”
And he was right. I often relay this analogy to demonstrate how we can break unwanted habits simply be being aware:-
The man walks down the road. He doesn’t see the hole. He falls into the hole.
The man walks down the road. He sees the hole, but not quite in time, so he still falls into it.
The man walks down the road. He sees the hole and manages to avoid falling into it.
The man walks down the road. There is no hole any more.
Spotting a habit, even in retrospect, is the beginning of being able to change it. The trick is to cultivate a sense of slowing down and really noticing our responses to the things. Then we can choose whether to respond this way or that way, rather than just reacting automatically. Meditation creates this inner choice gap beautifully – it feels like it slows down time and surrounds you with amazing, switched on, bright peacefulness. Then you can truly choose what happens next.
Check out this wee video for more on this phenomenon (me teaching at a recent workshop) – it’s a life changer! Creating Choice with Inner Wisdom
Peanut butter in hand in preparation for the teenage onslaught, Jamie contacted me again, at first with a text saying “Thank you very much mum x sorry about it all x”
“Cor, it makes a change to be appreciated!” I said. “Of course, it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t had your realisation about saying no”, added Pat. “Jamie got your new energetic message telepathically”.
We’ve noticed this before. A few months ago we were having a challenging time with Jamie and we didn’t know what to do with him. Then we realised that there was nothing we could ‘do with him’, we had to change our attitude, not his. We sat and talked for hours about it while he was out, realising what we had invested in things being this way or that. When Jamie came home some time later the first thing he did was ask for a hug. It was as though someone had flipped a switch in his psyche – all his anger and tension had gone and he was completely different!
Pat and I recorded our talks that afternoon on the Flip video camera. We’ve kept them private until now, however, we’ve just agreed to make the first one publically available in the spirit of Raw and Real. Do have a look if you are interested in how we started to work through our issues to handle our challenging teenager.
Parenting our troubled teenager part 1 – Power games, control and the teenage ego.
And as though to prove how positive changes of attitude do transmit instantly and telepathically, last night there was more. A few minutes after his text, Jamie phoned to say “You know what, mum, its okay, I’ll stay with my friend in town. I want to save you the trouble.”
And so I retrieved the peanut butter from Jamie’s caravan and settled down to the rest of my own meal in peace. It didn’t take long for Pat and I to let go of our silly tiff, enjoy a film together and go to sleep in each other’s arms.
Its been sooooo much more challenging than I thought it would. I mean, I knew it would be an adjustment moving from a nine room country cottage to a couple of caravans in a field, but I didn’t expect the personal disorientation to be so strong.
Okay it’s a big downsize and I knew I’d be saying goodbye to a lot of stuff and learning to live in less space and be confronted with emptying toilet tanks in the rain, but I didn’t expect to have the carpet ripped from under my feet. If I’m honest I’ve been feeling horribly unsettled and insecure since we moved a month ago. Where has the happy, inspired, life-loving Srimati gone?
Last night, Pat, my husband, stirred around 1am and I woke up too. I find that if I wake within a short while of going to sleep at night – and there’s something undigested going on emotionally – I’m presented with a shadowey, doom laden ‘oh-oh’ of uncomfortable feelings that won’t go away and won’t let me get back to sleep again. Last night it was dreadful, soul sucking, zero confidence. Everything was wrong. I was wrong. Life was wrong. And some how it was all my fault.
Many is the time I’ve been up in the night battling with such demons. I often wonder, however, how many women can say that they have a husband who is willing to spend all night, if necessary, slaying demons with them? I have one such husband – totally mad in many eyes and utterly sane in mine. A misunderstood Cornish rascal, I’ve been bright enough to recognise I have my very own, flesh and blood, guardian angel sharing my life with me. Pat is one hell of an ally and absolutely the best friend I’ve ever had by a mile.
So there we were in dressing gowns sitting under the moon in camp chairs at two in the morning. I briefly described how I was feeling. “I know”, he said, “I could feel your energy nose-diving all day.” I gazed at the magical moon appearing and disappearing into clouds and listened. His gravelly voiced, meandering stories and irreverant observations soothed me and brought humorous clarity all at the same time. I felt better. I could see what I’d been doing to myself…
Giving it All Away
Sometimes I get so frustrated with my own habitual mess ups – “Arggh! Stop! You’ve done it again! For goodness sake, STOP it Srimati!” Our habits and blind spots can be so entrenched. It seems to me that we all have one big core mucked up tendency that we spend our entire life attempting to break free of. (That’s if we are conscious enough to even try. There are plenty of us who never even realise what’s going on and just spend life being battered around by the painful consequences of our own unknowing over and over again).
With me it’s over-giving. I don’t mean being super generous, I mean giving inappropriately, ‘giving’ to the point that I abuse myself and prevent others from taking responsibility for themselves. Eventually, I get tired and depleted and have a kickback of resentment. The other person remains infantalised and never learns to stand on their own two feet. So in fact it’s not generous at all because nobody gains anything! Giving is only generosity when it is appropriately given and comes from a full cup, not being drunkenly sucked up from the dregs of a spill on the floor.
Over-giving is a classic generosity distortion, especially with mothers (and guess where my tendency shows itself most? Yes, with my 15 year old son Jamie). Not surprisingly, many of my friends, family and clients suffer from a similar thing. Like attracts like and so we draw people to us that carry similar energy and values – including problematic tendencies. The best teacher, however, is someone who is just a little free-er and more conscious than ourselves, so fortunately my clients do benefit from my years of self inflicted agony.
For the last six weeks I’ve been a one woman pack horse and rescue service. First I spent weeks, dawn to dusk, single handedly packing, redistributing or chucking every possession we had from the cottage, then setting up the caravans. I had the where-with-all to organise a man and a van to move some heavy furniture and ask a group of fab friends to help me with the final clean up day, but other than that, I’ve done the entire thing solo.
At the same time my boy, Jamie, has been experiencing his first big relationship breakup. He split up from his girlfriend after a year, and being an intense young thing (just like his mother) he has taken it hard. Late night and early morning phonecalls, mopping up tears, sick and messy rooms, taxi services to friends and work experiences have been a daily feature. And I’d somehow forgotten he’d be off school for the summer let alone need this extra emotional support. I’d had this romantic idea that I’d do the move in a couple of weeks and then spend July and August writing my first best seller. Hmm, had to re-think that one…
Meanwhile, being a highly sensitive person with multiple health issues, Pat’s chronic neck and back problems got a whole lot worse. In my exhausted, martyr-like hysteria (it’s really not very pretty), pushing to finish the cottage clean up in time, I told him to “F off” if he couldn’t help (the resentment kicking in!). So he did. Feeling totally powerless to reach me through my temporary insanity or love me or support me in any way, he withdrew to the caravans feeling terrible and his neck promptly went into acute spasm.
So, despite Pat’s enthusiasm for the caravan way of life, he’s not been able to help with usual domestics let alone the extra carrying and fetching this lifestyle requires. I felt like I’d cursed our last moment together at the cottage. Those ugly words were the last to leave my lips and it seemed like the antithesis of the love and appreciation we’d share there for two and a half years. The next morning, I went back to the cottage to say goodbye properly. All tasks done now, I went from room to room, remembering, weeping, blessing and praying. I asked for forgiveness and to cleanse the stain I’d made the day before.
Being a Mystic Angel
A few months ago, I picked up Doreen Virtue’s book, Realms of the Earth Angels, and experienced a revelation. In her book, Doreen, describes personality traits and life experiences in terms of certain types of earth angels (do read this fantastic wee book to get the whole context). I had such recognition of myself that I began to shake. Her categorisations made so much sense of my life and relationships, my strengths and weaknesses and my purpose and inspiration. So much so that it generated a new title for the biography that I’m writing – More Than Meets the Eye: My Life as a Mystic Angel.
At first I thought I was a Wise One – compassionate and committed to helping the world, a leader and guide, a powerful manifestor with a tendency to be over serious. However, I also recognised myself in the Incarnate Angel category. Here is the over-giving for a start. Along side this is an innocent, loving and trusting nature which can easily be taken advantage of. Incarnate Angels can tend to overweight (check) and drawn into co-dependent relationships (check).
And so it turns out I’m a Mystic Angel – a blend of both a Wise One and a Incarnate Angel. Right now, its my Incarnate Angel vulnerability/ gullibility that is being tested. Talking to Pat last night under the moon, I realise that I just do not realise when people are lying to me or trying to manipulate me or use me. I receive what’s said as the truth (I don’t usually get jokes or teasing because I fail to comprehend that the person is not speaking the absolute, literal truth to me!) I always give people the benefit of the doubt, understand why they feel limited or compromised and may not be acting in their own best interests and respond by doing what I can to rescue them from their suffering.
Of coure my trusting and compassionate nature is also my biggest asset! I do genuinely love and understand people and see their beautiful pure natures deep within them. That’s what helps me be such a good coach. However, our greatest weakness is also our greatest strength and vice versa. The trick is to be aware enough to know when our strength has flipped over to the dark side and is serving our fear and unconsciousness instead of our love and wisdom.
To help me with this, Pat has reminded me of a simple basic practice to correct my over-giving – the practice of saying “No!”. Sometimes its embarressing to have to go back to psychological base camp again, but that’s what I need to do. I need to say “No!” more and suffer the discomfort of the other person not getting what they want or having to dig into themselves to provide the solutions. I need to value myself enough to commit to my own needs first and foremost, to fill my cup, so that I can truly give again.
And so, I’ve invented a simple summer routine for myself starting today. Here I am living in the Wild Field. We are all moved. Jamie is getting over his break up and settling into his summer holidays. Pat’s neck is getting better. I have some time to myself again – time that I could fool myself into giving away to others if I am not vigilant. But I feel I will go mad if I do not now honour what is most precious in my life – my vocation to write and share wisdom.
In my own best interests, I’ve set some boundaries… I will not turn my phone on until midday. I will spend every weekday morning quietly by myself writing and meditating. My weekday mornings are all MINE from now on! And so, here it is, the outpouring of my love and creativity from a full cup – Raw and Real: Intimate Insights from the Wild Field. I hope you join me here often.
Totnes is full of single mothers and hardly any single men – my new friends in Devon were quite adamant. “I hope you’re not expecting to find a partner down here!” But I wasn’t moving to Totnes to find a partner, not yet anyway.
After 16 years living in a Buddhist community in London, it was time to move on, and my longing for a rural lifestyle could no longer be ignored. But most importantly of all, my seven-year-old son, Jamie, deserved a more gentle upbringing than a city could afford.
Despite the good reasons, however, there was also an element of strange magnetism I couldn’t put my finger on. In many ways I was leaving a great situation and jumping into the unknown, but there was a compelling force drawing me on – and I had a daring, inexplicable knowledge that this was absolutely the right move.
So, one sunny September morning in 2001, I packed my little grey Peugot to bursting, strapped Jamie in the front beside me, and set off for our new life in the country.
At 37, I was a free agent for the first time pretty much since my teens. I’d split amicably from Jamie’s dad two years ago. It was the most civilised split I’ve ever heard of, but even so, the impact of separating the family was utterly devastating.
My escape came in the form of a smouldering Spanish guy from my 5 Rhythms dance class. However it wasn’t long before I became emotionally trashed by this crazy sex fest of a so called relationship. I was so fragile that I clung on for far too long. Moving to Devon would make sure it was over for good. For the first time in all those years, I was single, and I felt it. I was F – R – E – E !
My heart was soaring when we got out to stretch our legs at Stonehenge. What an incredible monument to mark the half way point to Devon. The sky was blue and the ancient stones seemed to be humming with affirmation that we were doing the right thing. We weren’t in dirty, frantic, complicated London now. Here was the gateway to a whole new magical realm.
Our first base was a caravan in a charming farm campsite not far from Totnes. We were leaving behind a lovely, secure and affordable home in London. It was part of a triangle of Victorian maisonettes with gardens backing on to each other so the kids were safe to roam around with each other.
I was glad that Jamie still had some of that now – access to an indoor swimming pool and an adventure playground and a few other families who were temporarily living at the campsite during the offseason just like us.
There was a lot to do – a home to find, school for Jamie, money to earn, new friends to make. I was fully occupied and completely excited by the experience of making this beautiful place our home.
Originally a spa town, Totnes is known as the ‘alternative capital of the UK’ and has attracted all sorts of interesting people and progressive projects into it’s midst over the decades. And driving through the stunning countryside brought me out in mild bliss every day – very different from the tension that inevitably comes with ‘cheeky driving’ through London traffic.
But by night I was lonely and reeling from all the changes. Jamie was having a tough time too and was playing up appallingly. He was understandably disturbed and angry about being ripped away from all he knew, and I was feeling the strain and guilt. (What possessed me to think he’d settle at the fairy-like Steiner School after his formative years in inner city mainstream education?)
Sometimes the grief and disorientation were almost unbearable. It would have been so comforting to have someone intimate to share all this with – a manly chest to snuggle into…
So, in night time lonely autopilot, I reached out half heartedly for a liaison. Computer dating was a pleasant distraction, safe in the knowledge that everyone was at a reassuring cyber distance. The few dates I met up with soon dissolved any cosy illusions of romance I’d entertained myself with.
There were also a few ‘real’ single men I ran into (despite what my friends had said, Totnes seemed to have plenty of them). I spent a month with Martin no.1, and another with Martin no.2, and hung out with an attractive new friend while he was between girlfriends. But none of it was right and nothing got off the ground.
I knew that this was because I still had some healing to do, and at last I decided to co-operate with the process. I needed to do what usually has to be done when recovering from one relationship and preparing for another – to stay in the gap for as long as it takes and be with myself for a while.
I was overdue to complete some unfinished emotional business – to understand what had happened and why; to let go of hurts and fears; to re-asses who I am now; and establish what kind of relationship would be good for me next.
As a meditator I already had an invaluable tool at my disposal. Meditation gives emotional space and opens up a bigger perspective that allows us to face challenges positively. Along with regular chats with insightful friends and family, my meditation practise gave me the resources to navigate my way through the stormy emotional waters.
So did my practice of 5 Rhythms Dance. At my weekly class, and in the privacy of my own home, this wonderful form of dance free expression accessed and gave full voice to the stories and emotions stuck in my body. I danced and roared and stamped and cried (a lot!) and laughed and gave thanks and laid the ghosts to rest. Over the weeks I became clearer, free-er and more peaceful.
In early February I attended a sweat lodge held by a lovely local shaman down by the River Dart. In the dark, eerie beauty of a winter forest, we ceremonially heated huge stones in a roaring wooden pyre. Once ready, the hot stones were brought into the lodge one by one and sprinkled with sage water.
We sat in a circle inside the lodge, naked and in total darkness, sweating and singing and praying. It was like being inside a womb of pure spirit. We spoke aloud one at a time, each prayer seeming to come from infinite consciousness and be sent out into the entire universe. My prayer was spontaneous and ardent – “Please help me let go of the past and allow me the time and space I need before I get involved in another relationship.”
During one of my more contented evenings, and inspired by Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book, ‘The Invitation’, I did some reflective writing. In a deep, prayerful way, I wrote about what I longed for – the kind of loving partner that would be ideal for me.
It was almost sacreligious to be so damn honest about what would be utterly wonderful for me. I’d never given myself permission to state these things before. But once it was down on paper I found I was moved by the quality of person I was describing in those two dozen short paragraphs. And somehow, having committed my vision to paper, this man began to take on a tangible existence. It was spooky. It was as though I had begun to create a reality, or at least, call a reality towards me.
Having read widely about metaphysical principles since then, I know that this is exactly what is occurring when we make things conscious and decide to move towards them. As my old Buddhist teacher used to say, ‘It’s not so much that man wills, but that will man’s’. In other words our will manifests into form not the other way around. We become what we wish for. We create our reality from our thoughts and feelings and expectations.
Now, in my work as a coach, writing about ideals is an exercise that my clients use with unremittingly powerful results. But back then, I somewhat innocently placed my writings on my meditation shrine, and forgot about them. Little did I know that I’d planted a seed that would invisibly grow into a garden of opportunity, or that I’d soon be looking upon the face of the man who would become my husband.
At first I didn’t realise I’d met him. As far as I was concerned, this ‘Pat’ guy was just a housemate of a childminder friend I’d gotten to know at Jamie’s school.
Ann and I used to hang out at each other’s houses while our boys played together. So my first few meetings with Pat were incidental – brief interactions during a flurry of noisy, stampeding boys needing after school snacks. I was in ‘mum mode’ and, anyway, I had a background distraction still rolling with one man or another I was half involved with. I wasn’t paying attention where it was due. It took me a further couple of months to wake up. And what a wake up call it was.
Towards the end of April, my much loved, dear, wise, loving gran was dying in Scotland. My sister was giving me bulletins every day, and I was waiting for news of her final passing. Life was sharp. My heart was so open.
Contrastingly, I was experiencing impossibly crossed wires with Martin no.2 and decided to finish it. The very night I broke it off he fell off his steep garden terrace and was hospitalised with a broken back. I was shocked into further acute awakeness.
That same week (intuitively picking up on what was about to happen, I’m sure) I had my Spanish ex-lover from London on the phone asking for one last chance. For the first and last time, I said ‘No’ properly. It was after the sweat lodge prayer and I was crystal clear. Now I was truly free from any involvment whatsoever. I was free to pay attention where it was due.
On the Tuesday I arrived for a session of Holographic Repatterning with my friend Christina. I had booked the session a week ago to help with my relationship with Jamie, but there was something else on the menu.
It soon emerged that the key theme I was ready to explore was meeting the right partner. In the session, Christina revealled to me that I held the unconsious belief that ‘I could never meet a partner that could meet me on all levels’. This was a core reason I had been compromising myself in other relationships. She worked with me over 2 hours to shift this belief, and, three days later…
Pat was covering his childminder housemate’s shift for the day and we were looking after the boys together in the school yard. (Actually, Ann had been trying to set us up for a while as Pat had already eyeballed me with great interest, but I hadn’t noticed). It was the first chance Pat and I had to really talk.
I told him about Martin no.2 and the broken back. Knowing a little about me he commented that it’s very difficult to have a relationship with someone who isn’t spiritual if you are yourself. I liked him. I liked the way he sat on a rock in the playground and looked like a cowboy from the wild west.
Although I didn’t know why, I agreed that I might meet him for a drink that night. I was feeling incredibly sensitive and anti-social (and a pub is the last place I’d go at the best of times) but something led me into the Sea Trout Inn.
The Sea Trout was Pat’s regular drinking hole, just a stone’s throw from the cottage Christina had found for us to move into after our stay in the caravan. I laid aside my puritanical Buddhist prejudices and was pleasantly surprised by the level of meaningful communication happening amongst the public bar locals.
Pat was typically animated and in full flood “You’ve gotta get outta yar head and intta yar heart” he was insisting. He sounded like a cowboy too, or maybe one of those charismatic American preachers.
“A bit full on” I thought to myself, but I was intrigued. And then, suddenly, in the middle of all the passionate discussion, Pat and I gazed intently upon each other. ‘I see you’, he said, slowly and knowingly. ‘I see you too’, I replied with equal gravitas.
In that moment, we did indeed truly see one another. It was like a lightening flash had struck and lit up the entire vast landscape of who we are. The moment returned to darkness, but the flash revealed something forever. In that moment I realised that I recognised Pat, that I knew him, and with that knowledge came the deepest trust and truest love.
We parted in the car park with us both feeling somewhat stunned. “I lo…lo…lo…” Pat stammered. He seemed to be saying something and stuffing it back into his mouth at the same time. He looked as perplexed as I felt. Was he trying to resist saying that he LOVES me? Nah. Surely not.
I went back to the cottage and received the news that my gran had just passed away. Dear Gran. Dear kind, loving, strong, simple, generous, understanding, fiesty, affectionate gran. My spirit couldn’t help but elevate to commune with her and God and the afterlife and all of that other indecribable stuff that these words just don’t do justice to. Her love and essence were filling the Devon skies and I just had to fly with her for a while.
As if in a dream, I found myself popping into the pub at Sunday lunchtime to find Pat. It was completely unplanned. All of a sudden I was there inviting him to take a walk on Dartmoor with me.
We talked about Gran and meditation. Sitting by a rock pool, he told me he would have loved to study psychology if he’d ever been able to. I told him that psychology had been my main subject at University.
Without thinking about it, I took his hand as we walked back to the car. It was as though a greater force was acting through me. I certainly didn’t have the where-with-all to acknowledge what was going on, or make any judgements with my head. I was in the spontanieous and innocent world of my heart alright.
We shared our first kiss in the Sea Trout car park the next night. I was preparing to go to Gran’s funeral later that week. “Come… Back… To… Me…” Pat said gently and plainly. I’d already explained that I had a few romantic loose ends to tie up and couldn’t promise anything. “Take whatever time you need”, he replied.
The day before I flew to Scotland, he appeared in the school playground at pick up time. Pressing a rose quartz into my hand, he wished me well on my trip. Keen interest and support, understanding and freedom. This was a recipe for love. I recognised these qualities from my ideal man list.
It took me another couple of weeks to fully absorb the significance of what was occurring, but in the aftermath of my gran’s funeral, it was a simple and inevitable fact that we would love each other and be together. “Shall we love each other, then?” Pat had asked after an evening of endless, sublime kissing. “Yes, let’s” I replied, but it didn’t really need an answer.
I’d never experienced anything like it. There was no posturing or trying to impress each other and no attempts to hide our less favourable attributes – we were just relaxed and unselfconscious with each other from the very beginning. And there was no question about whether or not we’d be together – no push-pull fear of rejection or of being overwhelmed, no insecurity whatsoever.
Likewise, there was no great destabilising intoxication – the feelings were immediate and profound, but our heads were clear and our feet were on the ground. It was so straight forward – complete harmony, complete certainty – and left nothing to negotiate.
Sixteen months later, we were married.
As I was to discover, Pat had also prepared well for the arrival of what he called a ‘divine relationship’ in his life.
A long time meditator like me, Pat had worked through all the issues raised by previous relationships. He particularly practised forgiveness (including himself) and was unusually clear, more so than me, of the sort of relationship backlog that we often carry into future relationships (and mess up by referring back to ghosts instead of the person with us now).
He had also used a specific manifestation meditation to call his vision of a relationship into being. Popularised and taught by Dr Wayne Dyer in the 80s, this ancient practise brings together the power of the chakras, the voice, and creative visualisation. We call it the Ah/Om meditation.
Most importantly of all, perhaps, Pat adopted an attitude that he referred to as ‘100% intention with 100% surrender’. Although he was very clear about the partner he sought and would not compromise with less, he was also prepared for it not to happen and would be perfectly happy to stay alone should he not find his match.
This is the fine and paradoxical art of being open to one’s aspirations and creative possibilities while at the same time being fluid with our expectations. Many people either don’t let themselves dream through fear of not suceeding or strangle their dreams by having too much at stake and therefore too desparate for them to come true.
Often we don’t let ourselves aspire by assuming we won’t succeed (‘Can’t have’), or corrupt our aspirations into egotistical ambitions by having too much self-worth at stake if they flounder (‘Must have’).
Either way, it betrays a lack of self-knowledge and self-belief. When we see ourselves clearly and believe in ourselves, we don’t need to push things away or grab things towards us to shore up a hollow sense of ourselves. We can allow things to be what they are, free from what we have invested in them. In this freedom we can experience the natural flow of coming and going, and somewhat magically, all our true needs are satisfied (‘Having-ness’).
I didn’t believe that I could find someone who could meet me on all levels, so how could I HAVE that sort of relationship. Pat certainly can meet me on all levels.
This relationship is easily the most satisfying and stimulating either of us has ever known on the domestic, physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual levels. It is grounded and it is sacred. We are plumming depths and scaling heights together that would have been hard to access alone.
Of course it is also intense and challenging. We share so much. As well as living together and joining our families, we co-created our first coaching practice, Thrivecraft.
One day last year, I came across the description of the ideal partner I wrote all that time ago. As Pat and I re-read it together, I was filled with a strange, joyful realisation. The man who those words described was now nuzzling my neck, sharing my life and my deepest aspirations.
It’s amazing what we can magnetise into our lives with clear intention and positivity. Now I understand a little more about those compelling forces that brought me to Devon.
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